It feels unusual to grieve Chef Mahmoud.
There’s something about mourning a stranger that condemns their actual self to obscurity. I hesitate to grieve a brother I by no means had, amusing I by no means heard, secrets and techniques I by no means discovered, arguments and breakfasts we by no means shared. I hesitate to grieve the handshake I can by no means give him, for feeding hundreds who might not survive, in a spot I’ll by no means see once more.
I hesitate, even because the deceased confronted a merciless loss of life, a loss of life solely potential in Gaza. I hesitate, whilst I do know his family members. Even realizing he honoured my household by identify, whilst I keep in mind the occasions his brother’s eyes glimmered when he spoke of their work in Gaza’s North.
However when all is alleged and accomplished, we all know how this ends. He dies unjustly, and like a genetic imprint, we really feel some burn of an outdated scalpel in our chest, the burn of a query, The Palestinian Query.
“How can I make this sufferer a hero? No no … how can I make this hero a sufferer?
Can we do each?”
As if it’s the English language that decides.
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To a baby, a “hero” wears a masks. However Chef Mahmoud had no masks. His face was proven from the beginning. His household was uncovered from the beginning. They nonetheless are.
To an grownup, a “hero” wears a military uniform and takes lives. Chef Mahmoud did nothing however save lives. He had no defence of camouflage, not even a rifle. His solely weapon was the ladle in his hand – and that weapon saved hundreds.
How can anybody however a hero outdo the braveness of all these characters – fictional or not – higher capable of defend themselves? Will the world ever perceive the sheer humanity of such an individual? Is it misplaced in translation?
It feels just like the world has misplaced fluency within the language that Palestine is most fluent in: the language of deeds. That language which Mahmoud Almadhoun left his mark on with the richest poetry.
There may be the burn once more. I really feel the burden of my youth wasted outdoors Palestine, away from males no nation however Palestine may produce. Away from households who, underneath the crushing weight of an inevitable famine, say, “No thanks. We’re too artistic to starve, too upright to uproot.”
Or “you’ll be able to maintain a rifle to my head and strip me to my underwear, however I promise, you’ll by no means discover what you might be in search of. You’ll by no means incapacitate the guts that beats for Gaza. You can not kidnap it into cowardice, impoverish it into dependency, or parch it into silence. I’ll keep right here, perpetually.”
And there he stayed. Without end.
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It feels unusual to grieve Chef Mahmoud.
At first, I needed these phrases to exalt him. I assumed that was why my chest burned. But it surely nonetheless burns, and now I realise: none of this exaltation is for me, for the Almadhoun household, and even for us Palestinians. No. I’m really assembling these English phrases to attraction to the humanity of our colonisers by proxy, like an area capsule despatched out within the hopes of discovering extraterrestrial life.
I instantly realise the significance of refining my tone, and protecting any emotional asides inside neat parentheses, ten phrases or much less. (I hate the truth that we now have to die. I hate the truth that we all know precisely who will die and the way, that we predict this based mostly on the boundless ethical depravity of a genocidal colonising drive that kills meals staff, that slaughters our households one after the other like it’s nothing. I hate that I’ve to be articulate and proofread this, in case some in inconsistency in my writing circulation fails to persuade the reader that genocide is price stopping.) I have a look at the time.
It’s 3am, and after 4 hours pretending this sort man’s loss of life will not be devastating me, pretending by means of phrases, I lastly perceive what the burn is. We Palestinians know who we’re. We all know what Israel is. However what stays is for the world to see it.
As a world, you advised us to endure the worst terrors and humiliations of the occupation, with out turning to violence.
You advised us to show our youngsters love and science, even when Israel has bombed each college.
You advised us to sing and smile and cook dinner by means of our struggling.
You advised us to not be beggars, nor to starve in silence.
You advised us to withstand, however with none weapons.
To depend in your “eyes” to defend us.
Chef Mahmoud did all of these issues. And was assassinated by drone strike.
Are we your good victims now?
The views expressed on this article are the writer’s personal and don’t essentially replicate Al Jazeera’s editorial stance.